Growing up we did not have the luxuries afforded to others. The other children in the neighborhood had fancy toys and large screen TVs. All we had were cardboard boxes that dad brought home from work. If we were lucky he would also bring us packing foam, that is until Timmy ate a box full and had to rushed to the hospital. Timmy had a way of ruining all our fun.
We use to cut the boxes and tape the together to make a TV so big it the other children jealous. Then the "over active" children would play football in it. The rest of us just imagined we watching the big game. Oh those were great times.
Every year at Giftmas my Uncle Wendy(his parents never liked him) would come over and tell us stories of his "wonderful life." They were the best stories that we had ever heard. We just could not get enough. It was not truly Giftmas without good old fashioned Wendy's stories.
There was one about the time he wish he was dead. An angel came to show him what life would be like without him. He told us of the one Giftmas where all he wanted was a Red Rider Air Rifle and the trouble he through to get it. There was the time when he and an old army buddy had a famous act in show business. One year they went up to Vermont where they meet their old general, who is down on his luck. Of course my Uncle and his buddy cheered him up. Then there was the time he hosted Giftmas at his house. That one is my favorite.
It had everything from blinding lights to crazy attacking squirrels. His strange but lovable cousin stopped by and ended up kidnapping Wendy's boss. A cat got burned while feasting on it's dinner of bulb on a rope. Oh the hi jinks ensued.
Well Uncle Wendy moved on to greener pastures in Kansas and we never heard from him again. With such loss we did what anyone in our potion would do. We bought a TV. What I saw shook me to the bone. On every channel there we one of Uncle Wendy's stories. I could not believe my eyes. I felt so betrayed. How could someone do such a thing to a poor innocent child like myself. I cried that night like never before. The night I learned that......TV had stolen my Uncle's life.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Monday, December 11, 2006
The day Giftmas ruined climbing trees
It was the night before Giftmas and all through the house a creature was stirring quite like a mouse(our pet hamster decided to go all AWOL on us during a cage cleaning). I was an inquisitive young lad of about 3. I saw a green furry monstrosity in the corner of the room. I normally avoid monstrous things, being relatively smart. However this monster was different. It had bright lights blinking in hypnotic syncopation. If that was not enough there was the brightest light ever known to man illuminating from the top.
I soon realized it's drawing power as I moved closer and closer. I stood next to the monster with it's fur tickling my nose. I was determined in my resolve to have that light. I took a deep breath, reached out grabbed the beast and started to climb. The monster shook violently, rocking back and forth, as if wailing in pain. Then it started it's attack hurling objects left and right with orbs of glass smashing all around.
I dodged what I could but there was too much and I lost my grip. In a quick act of desperation I reached out and caught a life line. To my surprise the bright lights of blinking hypnotic syncopation where connected by a rope. I knew that nothing could stop me now. With renewed determination I continued my ascent up the beast.
However nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. The green furry monstrosity, in his last ditch attempt to thwart my determination, flung himself on top of me. A loud thud rang through the house and my loving father ran into the room to see what the ruckus was all about. I mustered up all the strength that I could and crawled out from the beast.
Bruised and battered I stood before my dad explaining how the monster was taunting me with his bright light. How instead of backing down I conquered my fear and took on my enemy. Explaining in detail my epic adventure.
As usual he did not seem amused. He then explained to me that the so called "monster" was really a tree. He also told me that some fat guy leaves "goodies" under said "tree". However since "I knocked it over" fatty would not leave anything at our house tonight. Since then I have never climbed a "tree". For I know their true nature.
I soon realized it's drawing power as I moved closer and closer. I stood next to the monster with it's fur tickling my nose. I was determined in my resolve to have that light. I took a deep breath, reached out grabbed the beast and started to climb. The monster shook violently, rocking back and forth, as if wailing in pain. Then it started it's attack hurling objects left and right with orbs of glass smashing all around.
I dodged what I could but there was too much and I lost my grip. In a quick act of desperation I reached out and caught a life line. To my surprise the bright lights of blinking hypnotic syncopation where connected by a rope. I knew that nothing could stop me now. With renewed determination I continued my ascent up the beast.
However nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. The green furry monstrosity, in his last ditch attempt to thwart my determination, flung himself on top of me. A loud thud rang through the house and my loving father ran into the room to see what the ruckus was all about. I mustered up all the strength that I could and crawled out from the beast.
Bruised and battered I stood before my dad explaining how the monster was taunting me with his bright light. How instead of backing down I conquered my fear and took on my enemy. Explaining in detail my epic adventure.
As usual he did not seem amused. He then explained to me that the so called "monster" was really a tree. He also told me that some fat guy leaves "goodies" under said "tree". However since "I knocked it over" fatty would not leave anything at our house tonight. Since then I have never climbed a "tree". For I know their true nature.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Jokes are Funny?
What did he say?
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Ten dollars is ten dollars
Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Smitty replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"
Contemporary Art
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Front row
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good", he answered.
The Sensitive Guy
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the pizza?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"
Famous last words
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
One cookie
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Ten dollars is ten dollars
Every year, Smitty and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Smitty would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Smitty, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Smitty and Martha went to the fair and Smitty said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Smitty, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Smitty and Martha agreed, and up they went.
The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Smitty, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Smitty replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!"
Contemporary Art
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
Front row
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said.
"The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good", he answered.
The Sensitive Guy
Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a large pizza. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you get the pizza?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She bought it for me."
"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she bought you a pizza?"
"Sure," Bob says.
"WHY?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a pizza you ARE!'"
Famous last words
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
One cookie
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. led down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Things that go bump in the night
One night I woke up without my head. I felt around for it but could not find it. I feel off the bed screaming. It was then that I realized it was all a dream. However the thought that it really happened would not leave my mind. Could it have been real? "Don't be stupid, man" I said to myself. After all how could I think without my head? Well whatever happened I decided it was time to get back in bed. Besides it was not too entertaining sitting on the floor with a pillow case hanging off my head.
Monday, January 16, 2006
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